Recently, I went to a gay cruising bar and had an incident that exemplified something I said when I was interviewed by Damon Jacobs for one of his Tub Talk interviews. The interview was about unwanted touch in sexually permissive spaces.
In that interview, I stated that I have a 3-strike rule in regards to how aggressive I become in telling a guy No. I said Strike 1 is to calmy either say No or move the person’s hand; Strike 2 is upping the ante in the tone of No, or more aggressively move the hand, then on; Strike 3, all bets are off. Whatever comes to mind to defend the sacred property that is your body is fair game. You can direct at the culprit a cussing out, slap, punch, kick, even a cut. Because while I’m not trying to advocate violence, the fact is that there should be no other strikes after Strike 1. Even if the reason the guy you want rejects you because he doesn’t want someone of your color/ethnicity, it is still his body, his call.
As seen in the video, Damon at one point (to my surprise) asked me if it was a racial thing from those forcing my hand in going through those 3 strikes. I said white males are the usual culprits. However, Latin males tend to cause a Strike 3 reaction on Strike 1. For when I calmly say “No” or calmly move their hand, they will react in an aggressive way and act as if I’m the aggressor.
That is what a Latin male did on this particular night.
At this bar, you are allowed to strip down. At that point of the night, all I was wearing was a harness, sneakers, socks, and percautionary pouch. I started out with a thong, but out of discomfort, I took it off and stuck it in my sock. I was sitting on a bench in the bar, in my own little world. The bench was more like a church pew, so it had a divider in middle. I knew someone was sitting on the immediate other side of the divider, but I was to into my own world to focus on him.
That is until he reached over and grabbed at my penis. To which I calmly moved his hand away. Immediately after, he reached over trying to grab my penis again. At this point, following my 3-Strike rule, I was more aggressive in my moving his hand away. To which he responds, “Yo! Don’t put your hands on me! I’ll knock the shit out of you!” Also know that he was in the midst of trying to stand up over me while saying this, which of course was meant to intimidate me.
While I would have rather not have caused a scene, this led me to counter by standing up as well. Because if he stands over me, it would be like Obi-Wan Kenobi said to Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”,… he would have the high ground. He could have slapped, punched me, or choked me, and considering how much a blind eye and deaf ear is turned to sexual assault by witnessing patrons in such gay spaces, I could not rely on them coming to my aid if any such violence happened. I did know however that my volume should at the very least get the attention of a staffer.
Once we were both standing, I saw he was Latino. Standing about 5’4″ or 5’5″ (to my 5’6″), bald, and pudgy with a light mustache. All descriptions fitting someone who had been intrusive with me in the past. For it was him. In that conflict, I was topping a guy in the darkroom and he stuck his hand right where my crotch met my bottom’s butt. So I moved his hand away, and he got an attitude about that. Mocking me for being annoyed as I took my playmate and walked away.
This time however, I only had to look out for myself. I didn’t have to practice restraint of my dark side because I was totally solo at the moment. I wasn’t trying to maintain being fuckable. In short, I had nothing to lose in that space by taking my stand.
Mind you, this guy repeatedly threatened to “knock my ass out”. To which I told him, “No you won’t.” But I threw that in the middle of saying 2 things repeatedly and loudly to draw attention to why the incident was happening and to get staffers on the situation.
I repeatedly said, “I told you ‘No’ 2 times already! I told you ‘No’ 2 times already! I told you ‘No’ 2 times already!” Then I went to saying repeatedly and loudly, “If you can’t handle the ‘No’, then you shouldn’t be here! If you can’t handle the ‘No’, then you shouldn’t be here! If you can’t handle the ‘No’, then you shouldn’t be here!“
I repeated those statements to drill the reality of his social retardation into his head. I knew it was getting to him. It was like calling a crazy person “crazy”, which it is said you are not supposed to do. But I didn’t care because of these 3 rules from this Instagram post:
Keeping the explanation of the 3rd rule in mind, while this guy was repeatedly threatening to “knock my ass out” for claiming ownership of my body, no matter how many times I repeated my aforementioned statements, I was prepared for him to up his aggression with physical violence that I would & could easily counter. What prevented that point from happening was a friend of a staffer and a staffer I’m friends with stepping in before things escalated. So my volume to alert people worked.
More gay males need to do this instead of staying silent. For the silence can easily be surmised as the result of grooming for molestation from one’s youth continuing in adulthood. Because if you have any degree of self-respect, why else would you as an adult tolerate that? This is why I am such an advocate for speaking up. Because we need to take action within our community to stop feeding into these dangerous theories about how we came about. And speaking up when you are being sexually assaulted is definitely one way to counter.
I’ve said in past articles how instances like this can ward off patrons. For I would not at all be surprised if this guy has rape allegations out there somewhere. For only a rapist would threaten someone with physical violence for standing your ground in guarding the sacred property they are trying to violate. So while it took me getting loud, anyone who saw me afterwards saw me resilient enough to still have some fun.
And who knows? Some of those who hit on me afterwards might have done so out of respect for me standing my ground.
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